“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

— Stephen Covey

Dear parents,

Have you ever found it difficult for your children to open up to you?  Would they rather talk with their friends and see you as the last person to confide their deepest thoughts and feelings?

I have been counseling a mid-aged father to overcome his childhood attachment traumas as his parents were virtually absent when he was growing up.  Now a father of two teenage children, he does not want to repeat his parents’ failing, and has resolved to spend time with his daughter and son.  He relates better with the older daughter who excels academically.  However, he is very frustrated with his 14-year-old son, who always retreats to his bedroom and gives terse responses when asked about his life at school. 

I asked the discouraged father to give me some incidents when his son took the initiative to tell him anything.  He recounted that his son once told him a few boys were fighting at school.  “How did you respond?” I asked.  “Of course I immediately told him it’s not right for the boys to fight, and he mustn’t join the fight or try to be the mediator lest he should get hurt.” “How did your son respond?” “Well, he stopped talking and started messaging his friends on the phone.”  “Give me another example.”  “My son is pretty good at running.  But he deliberately ran neither too fast nor too slow and came in the middle of the class in the 10-km race.  I asked why he didn’t do his best even when his PE teacher could recognize his gift in running.”  “Did he tell you?” “He just said I didn’t understand him.”

Feeling his strong love for his son, I asked the fretful father to read the following poem and tell me how he could have responded better.

LISTEN

When I ask vou to listen to me

and you start giving me advice,

you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me

and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way,

you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to lIsten to me

and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem,

you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen!  All I asked was that you listen. 

Not talk or do – just hear me.

Advice is cheap. And I can do for myself.  I am not helpless,

maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself,

you contribute to my fear and weakness.

But, when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel.

no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you

and get to the business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling.

And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious, and I don’t need advice.

Perhaps that's why prayer works, sometimes, for some people

Because God is mute and doesn't give advice or try to fix things.

God just listens and lets you work it out for yourself.

So, please listen, and just hear me, and if you want to talk

Wait a minute for your turn, and I'll listen to you.

Start listening to your child today!