“The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”

The Holy Bible 1 Samuel 16:7

Dear parents,

If you have more than one child, do you have a favourite? Do you tell your child or keep it to yourself? Irrespective of your decision, have you translated that liking into overt favouritism? Why is this particular child your favourite? What qualities does he or she uniquely possess? Has that child remained your favourite over the years or gone out of favour after some time?

As a parent, educator and counsellor, I have witnessed the perils of parental favouritism.  I dare say there is absolutely no merit to favouritism as it causes some indelible and even irreversible harm and trauma on the child.  So, why are parents still prone to favouritism?  In essence, it is part of human nature but the reasons have also changed over time.

In the old days, the eldest son was normally the favourite among all children as he was expected to take over the family business or trade. Some older female friends have told me how they were deprived of further education opportunities even though their elder brothers were not cut out for scholarly pursuits.  One secretly attended evening school with her own money whereas the other was lucky to get an offer from an overseas university but the father chose to hide the admission letter from her.  This gender-based favouritism is probably the most explicit and harmful.  In many instances, it drifts the siblings apart while the favoured son isn’t happy at all as he is often forced to take up a trade he doesn’t like, only to find that his performance can hardly match the expectations of his old man.

Contrary to the above, some parents favour the youngest child as she may seem fragile in need of attention and care.  In a family with more than two children, the middle child is most likely to suffer as a result.  In my counselling room, I have helped many a middle child to overcome their grudge and grief over their being neglected.  A woman in her mid-thirties grieved over the lost opportunity of joining the school choir as her mother could not spare time to pick her up late from school because her younger sister was a tearaway who demanded the mother’s full attention. Worse, whenever she fought with her younger sister, she would be told off and forced to give in.  After graduating from university, she moved out of her family home after a big fight with her younger sister, and for almost 10 years, they didn’t see or talk to each other.

The most common form of favouritism is based on merit.  In the most extreme case as portrayed in the movie “Time Still Turns the Pages”, the younger son who has great academic and musical talents is the pride of the family and therefore given more pocket money and overseas trip alone with the parents whereas the mediocre or ‘dumb’ brother is often rebuffed and ridiculed.  Even though the brothers still love each other, the older brother can’t stand the strain and chooses to end his life so that the family is ‘perfect’ without him.  In such families, no one is ever the winner.  In some cases, the favoured child is compelled to fulfil the unfinished dreams of the parents, playing a musical instrument he has no passion for or training for a sport he loathes at heart. 

It might be difficult for parents not to favour any child despite being fair to other children.  If you have to favour any child, choose the child that can understand your feelings the best because he or she will always play a key role in caring for you in your old age.  If none of your children is good at understanding your feelings, you probably have to try validating their feelings first.  Instead of recognizing and rewarding abilities, foster a family value of benevolence in which empathy and thoughtfulness are praised and reinforced.  Your children will love you genuinely in return.

Wishing you a loving and blessed Christmas!